Should I Be Concerned?

On a daily, weekly, monthly basis I get more texts from pizza places than I do from friends... I'm not sure if this is a good thing (because I freaking love pizza) or a bad thing (does this say something about my lack of friends??). Also, are these pernicious texts from pizza the real thing that is keeping me from losing that weight I want to shed? It's almost like the pizza places that throw me so much loving KNOW when I am trying to "just say no" to pizza.

Me: Time to swing my Whole Foods and grab a salad for lunch.
Phone: Bzzzzzzzz. Pizza text!
Me: Screw you, salad. I'm going to make sweet love to slice of pepperoni instead.

It's evil and I sometimes feel like all the pizza chains in the area are having me followed. But I also want to be "in the know" when there are pizza sales. I mean, who doesn't need that knowledge in their life? Pizza sale because the Broncos are playing? That's MUST HAVE info, ya'll. Plus, Peyton Manning owns a ton of Papa John's locations and it's downright disrespectful to our heroic quarterback to diss his side business.

As I type, I'm starting to realize that I need more food texting me. I already have a great relationship on Twitter with Cabot Cheese. We converse regularly about cheese. I also got a $25 gift card from Olive Garden due to my Twitter interaction with their fine establishment. Come to think of it, Applebee's has also Tweeted me... Maybe I don't need more food texts. It's disconcerting to sit here and list all the food that I talk to. But, damn, it would be awesome if Italian subs or burgers or fettuccini alfredo or Cheetos or Fritos or, well, you get the drift, started texting me.

I think I finally get it. Food is my only friend. I can't wait for my next pizza text!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait. I take that back.  Wine is my only friend. But why isn't wine texting me???? Wine, get off your ass and say hello to your best friend. If you didn't taste so good, I would consider you a real asshole. But, since I can't quit you, I will suffer quietly over your lack of communication. I love you, wine. I will wait patiently for you to be in touch. XO

PS - Pizza, I do love you, too, so keep up the texting!