Starvation is the New Black

I know that recently I bowed down to the reality of Spanx as my future. That truth has not changed. But I have gone back to my commitment to diet and lose some weight. I'm almost 36, so a little weight loss isn't going to cancel out the necessity of shape wear. So, alas, I sit here starving AND cruising the Spanx website.

Side note: Technical writer usually thinks of nothing but murder every day but now technical writer thinks of nothing but food all day.

I lost about 20 pounds a couple years ago. I was in the best shape I had been in in a long time at age 34. Then cancer happened and I decided to comfort eat my way through it. Oh, and the effing steroids they gave me didn't help. I had the cravings of 12 pregnant woman thanks to those meds. So, I gained all the weight back and maybe even a little extra. While I haven't been pigging out, I haven't been a slave to My Fitness Pal and I decided on Sunday that it was time to chain myself to that evil mistress again. I bought some Special K diet breakfast sandwiches and some Lean Cuisines and dragged them to work with me on Monday. I was elated to fill the freezer here at the office with a bunch of crap that will never sate my appetite. Yay? Winning?

I'm on day 3 of behaving. I've only thought of eating my own arm once or twice. I've only thought about stealing change from co-workers for Doritos from the vending machine about 7 times. I've only daydreamed about going nuts in the new Snarf's when it opens right next to work about 53 times.

Side note: I will totally go ape shit when Snarf's opens. Everyone deserves a cheat day (week?), right? Damn you, Snarf's for creating sandwiches so good that they taste like are made with crack and baby tears.

Do I miss food? Maybe... I may or may not have wept when I passed a McD's yesterday. I may think longingly of a Philly cheese steak from Bogey's. I may think about giving up all my TV shows to be able to eat anything I want without any caloric repercussions. I may want to shank the co-worker walking by with a real meal from the cafeteria.

Side note: Hey! Technical writer DOES still think of murder all day!

But I am determined. I did it once before and I can do it again. I will just pretend all food is a copy of the Chicago Manual of Style because we all know how I feel about that bitch. No one wants to eat all that proper grammar. My own form of aversion therapy!

And for those of you wondering... Yes, I know how many calories wine has. But I firmly believe that rehab is for quitters and I am already stabby enough, so don't touch my Pinot Noir for the safety of the human race. Besides, when you look at the pic below, you will see that my lunch is SO depressing that I deserve a treat at the end of the day and, in Brook's world, treats always come in the form of wine.

Side note: What asshole decides to commit to a diet the week before Thanksgiving? This one, apparently. *sigh*

My lunch:

 

Just for fun:

 

I Just Introduced Myself to My Phone

My Samsung Galaxy and I have been hanging out for almost 6 months now but, apparently, we never became properly acquainted before today. A few of us were standing around discussing the weather (snow and very cold) and this lead into a discussion about weather apps. I proudly displayed my Weather Kitty App where (for an extra $1.99) you can get Grumpy Cat to let you know that it's snowing.

Side note: Grumpy Cat is just as cranky about the snow as I am. Shocking.

So, then my phone became a topic of conversation because it's a Mini and I said I thought the battery sucked a little bit. I forgot to mention that I work next to IT and one of them is an avid smart phone junkie. He kept asking where all my apps were and I showed him. He said my phone was very Monk-like because I only have 4 apps on my home screen. Hey, phone clutter annoys me! I might have closets stuffed with junk to overflowing at home but my phone is clean as a whistle. And besides, what do I need besides Contacts, Text Messaging, Weather Kitty, and My Daily Horoscope on my home screen? I'm fine letting all the other apps I have (and don't use) hide.

Side note: My Daily Horoscope keeps promising me all this great stuff is going to happen and I am losing patience waiting for this to be true. I wonder if there is a Grumpy Cat Horoscope App because you know HE would be honest. "You're a grown up, life sucks, get over it."

But the real mind-blowing thing happened when my co-worker told me about "Ok, Google". What it this piece of magic and how did I not know about it??? Now all those commercials with people saying "Ok, Google" are making SO much more sense! And I am no longer jealous of Siri (she seems kind of like a bitch any way, if you ask me). But first I had to introduce myself to my phone. THREE TIMES. Now it recognizes my voice! I feel so close to the little darling now. I just want to "Ok, Google" random shit all day. I can't believe I have wasted all this time using my fingers to look things up. I could have been doing so many more important things with them, like opening the wine spigot on my trusty box o' booze. If I just had just cozied up to my phone properly when we first met, I could have been way drunker these last 6 months. I just smacked myself on the forehead and said 'God, I'm an idiot", just like Dad taught me to do when I was three. Lesson learned. More wine will be had when I get home tonight and converse with my phone rather than actually touching it.

Side note: I am going to ask IT for more phone lessons. I hear it can give you directions to places and stuff. I think I have discovered a whole new world of technology and it has only taken me three years of being a smart phone owner! And here I thought I was all fancy using it to help me do math during Monopoly last night.

I'm all About Those Spanx, 'Bout Those Spanx, No Treble

No, I don't own a pair of Spanx. Yet... I decided on the way to work that I will ask for some for Christmas, though. I hear they liquefy your organs or something but, whatevs, because I am facing the truth. Even with diet and exercise (*snort* we all know those things are never happening for this gal), my age alone is beginning to require any and all help to look good.

Side note: Does the whole liquefy organs thing mean Spanx are voluntary Ebola??

There are certain outfits that look good on me but would be greatly enhanced by a cheat sheet to fix the, um, topography of my beloved body. Why not use the Cliff Notes version of the perfect curves - aka: Spanx?! The person who invented these things of genius was put here on this earth to make life easier for women who refuse to give up wine and carbs and wine and gluten and pizza and wine and, well, you get the drift.

So, on the days where I am not hiding my belly with a well-placed and stylish scarf, I am no longer sucking it in. I am letting Spanx suck it in for me.

Side note: Does this mean I am even lazier than we already thought I was??

Sure, I could "plank" for minutes every day. I could try a crunch or two. Or I could count every minute that I don't waste on that exercise bullshit and say that the time saved is $1 going into my "Saving Up for Spanx" piggy bank (pun intended).

Hello, Spanx! Welcome reality! Farewell, pipe dreams about Treble.

Side note: This was my breakfast this morning. Yes, you see carbs, bacon, egg, cheese, AND pesto. It's pretty much the only reason I got out of bed today.