My Version of Attachment Parenting

I only have one child. A gorgeous, wonderful, loving son. But I had always imagined myself with two. One time a psychic told me I would have three (lying charlatan bitch). But, nope, I have ended up with a lonely only. I mostly blame Hubby for this. He didn't want another child. He insists that it's more important to do right by one. From the financial aspect, I do agree with him on that point. Child care costs for TWO kids? How would I afford my wine? (I already had to turn to box wine to afford soccer. The things we do for our children!) Let alone sports, activities, cars, college, etc... Hell, the Friday Folder the school sends home weekly should be called the Write Arapahoe Ridge a Check Folder. So, the smart part of my brain knows that one child is the smarter decision. In addition to money, the whole breast cancer at 34 thing was a dream killer about having #2. So, while I may secretly hate my neighbor with four children, I have devised a plan to make the most out of the perfect child that I DO have. Attachment parenting, Brook-style.

I have given this a lot of thought. First off, I do everything for my son. He's seven and I still dress him. Yep, you heard that right. Sure, he knows how to dress himself and does so sometimes when he wants to hurry up and go play outside. (Side note: this also means there is never any arguing about what he will wear so I save a ton of time in the mornings.) I deliver all his meals to him. Get him snacks as asked. I still wash his hair (that's partly just because he does a crappy job on his own). I tell him almost daily that he never, ever has to move out. I tell him that college is a must but that he can live at home while attending.

Am I crippling my child for the real world? Maybe... Go ahead and judge. But crippling him for the real world is THE POINT of my style of attachment parenting. I only get to have one and, dammit, I am going to keep him. FOREVER. That little man isn't going anywhere! Does anyone recall Will Ferrell's character in Wedding Crashers? If you don't know what I am talking about, let me remind you. His character lived with his mom at the age of about 40 and sat on the couch yelling "Mom, where's the damn meatloaf?" And that's what I want for my future. My dear son still living at home, telling me that his hands are empty and I better get a sandwich in them ASAP. Bliss!

Now, should he fall in love and want to get married, I will allow him and his spouse to buy a house next door. I will pay for it if I have to. And if I can't get my current neighbor to sell me their abode then I will allow my son to go as far as a few houses down. Basically, he has to live within walking distance until I am dead. That's totally reasonable, right??????

So, there you go. Attachment parenting at its best. This is what happens when you literally put all your eggs in one basket. I'm a damn genius.