A Day in the Life of a Technical Writer (aka - Tree Killer for No Reason)

I just spent four hours wrestling with a Table of Contents that is supposed to generate automatically. I consider that a huge technology fail on the part of the software I use (coughFrameMakercough) and I am now silently seething with rage. I want to go to my local library and rip every table of contents out of every book and then set the pages on fire and roast marshmallows and drink wine while I watch them burn. That's a perfectly normal reaction, right?

Side note: I realized my last blog post didn't mention wine once. WTF??? I must have been having an off day! I will try and use the word wine as many times as possible in this post so that the drinking game my friend suggested is super awesome for ya'll. For those of you who don't read my comments (shame on you, btw), the drinking game is taking a shot every time the word wine is used in a post. I won't let you down with this post, I promise.

So, back to all my technical writing woes. In addition to asshole TOCs, I would like to bitch about hyphens. I work with a Hyphen Nazi. The redlines I get back from peer review are ridiculous. I'm super close to hyphenating everything. The-only-thing-good-about-hyphens-is-that-my-boss-hates-them-and-it-drives-him-crazy-that-The-Chicago-Manual-of-Style-states-that-we-must-use-them-as-often-as-the-Hyphen-Nazi-says-to-because-that-is-the-gramatically-correct-way. Folks, never ever argue with The Chicago Manual of Style.

Side note: They gave me a copy of the Chicago Manual of style here at work. I have had it for four years and never opened it. I should probably be disbarred. Wait, I think that's a term for another profession... I should probably take a look at that dictionary they gave me, too... Nah, that sounds like too much work. I shall now stop digressing.

Let's see... What else drives me crazy about technical writing aside from the mind-numbing boredom that comes from writing one manual for two years straight? My documents always end up becoming "critical path" for every project I work on. And by "critical path" I mean that everyone ignores me and forgets I exist until they need their documents RIGHT EFFING NOW so they can release their product to market before we all get fired. But, no pressure. And somebody got turned into HR for saying "Poor planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine" so I was told to take my sign down. I plan to secretly tattoo that saying on my body and go look at it every time I smile and tell someone "no problem, I will get that right to you" and then start daydreaming about shanking them. It's a verb: to shank. (See, my blog teaches you stuff. You're welcome, readers.)

Side note: Are you starting to see why I love my wine so much?

And, finally (well, I could keep complaining all day but I have some commas to move around, so I have to wrap this up), no one reads what I write! This revelation came straight from a person who works in a hospital. Documents go directly from the box to the garbage can. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Technically, I kill trees for no reason for a living. I should get new business cards....

Side note: Wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wint wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine. Have fun getting wasted everyone!!!