This is serious, people...

I am being threatened daily. I wake up every day feeling bone-chilling terror. Yep, it's another day and that means one less day I have to prepare for Christmas. Our Christmas countdown calendar has Santa Clause on it and, at this point, he looks like Pennywise to me as I change 07 days until Christmas to 06. 06???????????????????????? I get to work and anxiously check my 5,000 Amazon orders. So many of them say "guaranteed delivery by December 24th at 8pm". THE FUCK? Amazon better come through.

Side note: Will I be wrapping everything after 9pm on Christmas Eve? I'm supposed to be long drunk before then. THIS MAKES ME FEEL STRESS AND I AM ALREADY NOT A CALM PERSON.

In addition to my Pennywise countdown calendar, my son remembered that we made Christmas cookies with Grandma last year and expressed his immense interest in experiencing this joy again. (Thanks, Mom.) In my last post I declared that no baking would be done. DAMN IT. I think I am making cookies with the kiddo on Monday since I have the whole week off and, therefore, the time to make Christmas as merry as effing possible. I will not be using Mom's fabulous (and labor intensive) recipe. I plan to buy one of those sugar cookie mixes and some cheap frosting. Hell, I might even just buy already made sugar cookies.

Side note: Baking will require a box of wine. I have needs and standards.

At some point, I will be making the reindeer food. This is actually pretty easy but I am still pissed that this has become a thing. There was no glittery reindeer food scattered in the front yard in my day and I turned out just fine (right??????).

I will remember to set out cookies and milk for Santa. Then, after the child goes to bed, I will pretend to eat the cookies and leave a thank you note. I will sneak Santa's presents down under the tree, along with the presents from Rudolph and Poof.

Side note: This is all super fun because for the last two years my child has refused to sleep so all the Santa crap has to be stealthier than that whole catching Bin Laden thing that happened. Christmas Eve after the child is "sleeping" is like Zero Dark Thirty in my house. I'm asking for night vision goggles for Christmas next year.

One Christmas Eve chore that I don't mind is sending Poof back to the North Pole. Farewell, you little pain in the ass!

For all my complaining, I do love this time of year. I love that I can create magic for my son. I know it won't last forever and I will be sad when some of the magic is gone. So, I will be Santa and Rudolph and Poof and whatever else it takes to make my son feel the joy oh the holidays for as long as possible. Even if that means being threatened by a countdown calendar and baking...

My little Christmas corner where I snuggle with the kiddo and the pets. Makes it all worth it. Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Damn Elf is Back

Yep, it's that time of year. The wonderful holiday season that translates into almost nothing but more work for me. I know, I know. I sound cranky. And I really am not as bitter as this blog post will make me appear BUT the month of December is nothing but hosting an endless party for my 7 year old. The "fun" begins with the return of our Elf on the Shelf on the night of Thanksgiving. I love the joy that my son shows when he sees that Poof has come back from the North Pole. I do NOT love that I have to remember to move him every night, especially when I forgot to move him the very first night of his return. Elf fail already? Some creative Pinterest Mom is going to show up and kick my ass for that faux pas.

I try to get creative with Poof, I really do. I know all the lists about "101 and 1 Things to do with Your Elf" and some of them are awesome. Congrats to the Moms who think these genius ideas up! I'm super grateful for feeling subpar with my Elfing skills. One of the times I tried to really mix it up with the damn spy from the North I had him taken hostage by Scooby. Taped that little tattletale sucker to the wall... with GORILLA TAPE. It didn't occur to me just how sticky that shit is until I was at the office and showing co-workers what an awesome, creative Mom I was and they pointed out that I would probably need to repaint my living room after I freed Poof. I will admit, I seriously considered telling my son that Poof had committed a great Elf felony (like wanting to be a dentist instead of making toys) and was sentenced by Santa to imprisonment on the wall forever just to avoid damage to my living room. Luckily, it turned out that I hadn't been very overzealous with my hostage-taking so the tape came off with paint intact.

Side note: I bet that Gorilla Tape would be an excellent way to hold one of those overachieving Elf moms in my basement and make her do all the Elf work until Poof hightails it back to Santa this year.

Back to Creative Elfing. A lot of the things on those lists look like nothing more than creating a mess for me to clean up. WTF? Who needs that??? Let me put this into perspective for you. Here is my day BEFORE 7am: up at 5am, get myself ready, pack two lunches and snacks (don't forget the toaster strudel and sweet tea for Hubby's breakfast), feed the cat and dog, let the chickens out and feed and water them, advance the dishwasher to whatever stage it needs to go to next, take out the trash, get the child ready, take him to school, and then head into work. Does it sound like I have time to deal with a Christmas tree that some heathen tp'd? Or wipe up flour snow angels?  Um, yeah, not so much.

And Elfing is only the beginning. I have to get the tree done, the indoor and outdoor decorations put up, take the kiddo to see Santa, write and mail a letter to Santa (even though we already saw him in person, grrr), contribute something to the school Christmas party, make some reindeer food that won't kill any animals that try to eat it, buy and wrap gifts, and probably a few other things I am forgetting. I draw the line at baking. I don't like sweets and I don't much like baking. (Mom, if you want to fly out like last year, I will gladly watch YOU make Christmas cookies, lol.)

Side note: If you want some Christmas mac and cheese, though, I am open to making an effort for that. Or Christmas beef stroganoff. Or Christmas fettuccini alfredo. I think you get the drift. Can you tell I am still on that damn diet???

Wow, I am tired just from writing this post and already feeling a bit defeated about the month ahead. I think I know where Blake will find Poof tomorrow morning - next an empty box of wine and his passed out mother. Happy Holidays, folks!