Drunk or a baby?

If you are (good) human, you will recognize where this title came from. So... I haven't blogged for awhile. I think it's all the shushing in my life. I am constantly told to shut up. Hey, movie theatre asshole, Max was a good movie but not worth shushing me over.

Side Note: I wasn't even talking!!!! My phone lit up twice in two hours!

I have been feeling stabby again. I know this is an ongoing theme... I currently want to stab the third taco that I don't have the appetite to eat. When did aliens take over my body??????

I'm excited about a lot of things this week. I won't (or can't) get into them but they at least involve gin and a pool. Where can you go wrong with gin and a pool (without lecturing me about the Houstons)? Is that too soon? NO. Because that was drugs and a tub and gin and a pool are totally different things! Stop being so judgey!!!

This blog is going to be super random. Deal.

Blake Shelton is soon to be single... Until I make him mine! 'Nuff said.

I need a pedicure.

Made friends with CancerGirl and she is awesome.

I have managed to keep all the cusswords in my head but it's only Monday.

Got a new microwave. Why don't they last more than a year these days??? (Mom, remember when I put metal in ours? It survived.)

Side note: That third taco is still sitting here, giving me side eye. Or maybe I am giving it side eye. Either way, there is taco anger happening RIGHT NOW.

I hope my Monster Squad video arrives today because I am dying to relive my youth and ruin a little bit of my son's. :-)

Side Note: Who buys DVDs these days? ME! When I am not bingewatching Orange is the New Black...

Side Note: I hate you, evil taco. ( Don't make that dirty, people. You know who I am talking to.)

Because, baby, now we got bad blood. Once a Swiftie, always a Swiftie. Buy me a ticket to her Denver concert?

Houston, We Have a NEW Problem

I am more than a Taylor Swift fan. I am officially addicted. Partly due to being shushed every time I try to interact with my new co-workers, I am plugging into my headphones and listening to music. And it's Taylor Swift 24/7. I miss my Metallica and GNR days but I guess I am not as angry as I was during that phase?

Side note: I'm angry enough to punch the shusher in his junk...

Would it be inappropriate to start a GoFundMe campaign for Taylor Swift concert tickets? Would that make me shallow? I put the kiddo first and just spent $300 on his new soccer season... Now, I am broke (well, I am always broke).

Side note: The kiddo got invited to be on the Academy Select Gold team and we are super proud, so any and all money is worth it. Son before Swift... *sniffle*

Side side note: I wonder why I didn't mention shanking the shusher? That's more my style and it has such amazing alliteration. Plus, his junk? Gross. Not going anywhere near that. Not even for justified revenge.

Side side side note: If you haven't watched What Happens in Vegas, you should. Because it's an awesome movie and it taught me about junk punching followed by yelling "YOU KNOW WHY" and You Know Why is going to be the name of my future bar. I promise there will be more than just wine served.

Do I ever make sense on these blogs?? I just ramble. Plus, I am having a war within my own mind about the best Taylor Swift song. It's a tie between Red and Mean (you bullies in high school know who you are).

Apocalypse Now

Not the Redux version... Seriously, what is up with that?

Yeah, so we have started going to the rec center as a family. I choose swimming laps for my brand of pain. I have swam laps for an hour on a few different occasions. Am I proud? Eh. I love swimming so it's not torture and I always feel that exercise should be torture. With that said, I am exhausted and sore afterwards. I'm *pretty sure* it's good for me. But it also makes me want to eat a cheeseburger to ensure that I don't turn into a pod person of myself.

We are also trying hard as a family to eat non-GMO. This is something that I am behind but can ya'll just start labeling everything with GMO or non-GMO labels? Cuz I have enough shit to do and the uncertainty while shopping is an unnecessary hardship. Are all pickles non-GMO? I don't freaking know!!!!!!!!!! I know that some say they are and others don't carry that fancy non-GMO label. HELP?

Side note: I don't even eat pickles. I am just trying to do right by the fam.

Side note: I don't give a f*** if wine is non-GMO. Some things are sacred.

So, this new attempt at healthiness is annoying. My brain is already on overdrive and now I have to exercise and shop non-GMO... This just shows that the world is coming to an end. This post alone has tired me out. I have a semi-healthy lunch waiting for me and a plan to head to the rec center after work but I am thisclose to going to my favorite Italian place and ordering a pizza. A pizza meant for two but I swear I break it into 3 meals...

Side note: My faves are Blake, wine, and pizza. In that order. Gonna be honest. Hubby is not in that order. Mom, Dad, and carbonarra would follow. Then friends (you know who you are). Swimming. Wow, I should probably not be listing my likes in order. Mom, you actually do come before wine and pizza but thank you for always giving me wine and pizza. And wings. Cuz you know I love wings and always make sure I have them. And Snarf's. You need to visit soon so we can eat... everything. And I will make you sit still (again) and watch a couple movies. Hey, if I am exercising then you are relaxing!

Why are all my blogs about food? Being about wine, I get that, but the food thing shows a problem. A problem with my scale. Which I avoid because it is a total asshole.

*drops mic, walks away*

The Best of Times...

And the worst of times...

Okay, so it's not really anywhere near the worst of times. I love my new job and the team, while I don't know them super well, seem great. I think the problem is that this is my first "normal" week where there isn't training or meetings or admin stuff to get all the tools I need to do my job. And the environment here is completely different from my last job. I am not micromanaged and that is awesome! But I also feel a bit disoriented. I can think for myself? I'm allowed to run this project the way I see fit? As a good friend put it, it's like I just got out of an abusive relationship and I'm not sure how to act. The upshot to this is that I know I am up to the task. This whole week is taking the bull by the horns and "diving in". And that's exactly what I will do as soon as this Xanax kicks in! ;-)

I have been very lazy with this blog and I am sorry not to be coming back with a funnier topic but this is currently what is on my mind. I have been given a great opportunity and I will prove that they were right to hire me.

In other news, we lost our dog of 12 years. Jackson was the biggest lover that has ever existed and we miss him so much. He had a great life and spent his last moments being loved by us at home. But I miss him every second of every day. I miss him underfoot in the kitchen, trolling for dropped food. I miss him furiously drinking his water to signal that, dammit, it was time for his meal! It pained me to cook bacon this past weekend because he wasn't there to get some as a treat. I have never had a dog from puppy to death and sometimes I feel like a five year old just saying "I want my dog back!"

Another thing that I have been wanting to write a blog about. This one has been on my mind for a couple months but I have procrastinated because words will never be adequate to talk about this topic. Teri. My best friend and one of the most amazing humans who has ever existed passed away in September. It was a huge loss. But it has brought about one thing. A little belief in... something. I don't believe in much. Karma for sure and, after Teri, I believe in signs and possibly that she is watching over me. Right after she passed, I went to CostCo, only to find it closed until 10am. So, I went to the only place nearby to grab breakfast - Gunther Toody's. I looked at the drink menu and decided to get something out of the norm for me - a bloody mary. When it was served it came with a shot of Coors Light! How random! But it made me smile and feel that she was there with me at that moment because Coors Light was the only thing she would drink. A sign! And then there was the time that I was stressed about work and waiting on a text and silently asking her to have my back and at the exact moment one of her favorite songs came on, I got a text message saying that everything at work was good to go and I was off the hook. Another sign! And I feel like Teri had a hand in getting me this new job. She, more than anyone, knew how much I needed to get out of my other situation (especially after her death). And, funnily, enough one of my new co-workers worked with Teri, knew her well, and had heard all about me and seems like a good, funny person that I can be friends with. Well done, Teri. Thank you for looking out for me.

So, there isn't much coherency to this blog. Just things that have been on my mind. Teri LOVED dogs. I hope Jackson and Teri have found each other in wherever we end up and that she is teaching him how to play Shark. And I am going to be the best darn tech writer this company has ever seen! I owe it to myself and to Teri.

RIP Teri. Thank you for EVERYTHING, especially gifting me with a little bit of believing.

RIP Jackson. I miss your stink.

Waiting is a Bitch

I am back to being a teenage girl waiting for the phone to ring from a boy I like... But with a lot more pounds packed on and a boss crush instead of a boy crush. I am waiting to hear about an official offer for a new job. I am 99% sure that it's happening but I NEED the official offer before I lose my mind. For those of you who have never met me, I AM NOT A PATIENT PERSON. I am at Defcomm 5 Freakout, people. I'm a Stage 5 Clinger to my phone! I not only want this job, I NEED it. Refer to my Rut Roh post if you are wondering why I sound so insane. If I get this new job, the world will hear me screaming "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!" I won't go into the nitty gritty of why I NEED this job so much but some of my readers already know the details. *coughhorriblecurrentworkingenvironmentcough*

Side Note: I cannot concentrate due to the waiting, so this blog is going to be rather scattered. To give you an idea of my state of mind I said "You can't draw a bleached asshole" before 8am. Then someone said that maybe you can and my mind exploded. Is a whiteboard really just a big, square bleached asshole?????????? I think I need to be sedated...

So, back to the job. It is technically a lateral move within my current company (because we were recently acquired) but it would be a new boss and new location closer to home. I need a change of scenery. To say that my current location has a lot of ghosts would be an understatement. I need a fresh start like I need wine. And maybe air.

Side Note: I bet wine would sedate me at some point. I might have Tourette's. I just said "That whore bitch has no right commenting on your body. I will shank her." before 9am. Waiting Brook is NOT pretty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need some horse tranquilizers or someone to sew my mouth shut.

Screw it. This blog is done before I further incriminate myself. I am going to go stare at my phone and try to keep my crazy thoughts in my head. It is now 9am and the day has already gone down the rabbit hole. See you on the other side.

Side Note: We just decided that the marker people need to make a color called "anal bleaching" to aid us in drawing an illustration because Wikipedia took down their awesome picture and anal bleaching has gotten much harder to explain.

To end on a happy note, here is the ponytail I achieved this past weekend. I have only been waiting since July 2013 for it. Suck it, cancer and chemo!

 

UPDATE:

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the manager decided that with my experience that it shouldn't be a lateral move so I am officially a SENIOR tech writer!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suck it, Dr. Seuss

I am an avid reader. I'm also a loyal person. But I have to betray one of my favorite authors today. You are dead to me, Dr. Seuss. You have ruined my entire week. In celebration of your birthday, my son's school has "celebrated" all week. Crazy hat day (we have no crazy hats), silly sock day (we're lucky we have clean socks, let alone silly ones), Wacky Wednesday (dressed my child like a weirdo but apparently he simply needed to be mismatched and kids made fun of him), we nailed Thursday since he dressed up like the soccer player he wants to be as a grown up (Oh, The Places You Will Go), and today left us in a bitter battle over how kids would make fun of his crazy hair. As the parent of an only child, I try to participate in everything. It's sort of the point of only having one. But I have failed miserably at this during Dr. Seuss week and, were this medicine man to still be breathing, I would shank him. Happy NOT YOUR ACTUAL BIRTHDAY ALL WEEK, Dr. Seusshole. I am going to go home and set Green Eggs and Ham on fire.

Side note: This is not the first time in this blog that I have sworn to set fire to things, is it? It's okay because I have been assured that I am a polite sociopath so I will apologize while that effing Fox in Socks floats away on his funeral pyre. You're welcome, Seuss.

Side side note: This is also not the first time I have written of shanking someone in this blog. Again, I defend myself with the polite sociopath thing. I will say sorry as I Hop on Pop with a sharp object.

It's Friday. It's clearly been a trying week. I am out of energy to keep ranting. It's time for One Fish, Two Fish, Red Wine, Blue Fish. And I am not celebrating this stupid Dr. Seuss week next year.

*throws mike and walks away*

Rut Roh...

I am officially in a huge rut. The conundrum of this is that I hate change and it even aggravates my anxiety disorder. But I am bored out of my damned skull and I am not sure what to do about it. I started this blog but that's such a small thing. Yes, I had been planning to do it for years so it's great that I got off my ass but, still, it adds 20 minutes of "new" to my life once a week if I am lucky.

Here are some of the things I have been considering:

1. Exercise... LMAO! Have you met me? But I lead off with this idea to show you just how DESPERATE I am for a change. I actually thought of starting running!!!!!!!!! This line of thinking is nothing more than a cry for help, people. Now I think we all understand the dire gravity of my rut.

2. A new pet. Namely, a dog. (Hubby won't allow another cat.) But I don't have time for a new dog (nor do I think Hubby will allow a canine either). The biggest reason that I want another pet is that another baby is so unreasonable at this point. Because a baby would be awesome (and keep me too busy to worry about my rut which is why people have babies anyway, right?)!

Side note: A baby would be awesome BUT kids do hinder a lot of your options. For example, running away to Tahiti was nixed because I can't leave Blake. As was doing whatever the Hell Reese Witherspoon does in that movie "Wild" (which my therapist keeps telling me I need to see for some reason). I guess, technically, a new puppy would also hinder the whole "Wild" thing... I'm starting to see a pattern to this rut. TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY.

3. New career. Okay, not a terrible idea. But I think that working at a jewelry store would not bring in the money my household needs (even if being surrounded by sparkly things all day would be great and I would totally try on fancy jewelry when my boss was at lunch). I am, above all, too practical to risk losing my house for happiness. That health insurance thing is also pretty awesome.

4. Write a book. I am too damn busy wallowing in my self-pity rut to be creative. You are assholes for suggesting that one.

5. A tattoo. Ugh. So 2001 for me. And the high only lasts a day or so. I can get out of my rut for a day or two with wine, so this idea is dead in the water.

6. Taking a class. Sure, with what time and/or money? And the only thing I really care to learn about is making my own wine. I can already cook. And why bother learning Italian when I can't run away to Italy (see Side Note above)?

7. Travelling. Awesome idea. If I had money. I am lucky I get to go nuts and stock up at Costco, let alone buy a plane ticket ANYWHERE.

So, here I sit. This rut is getting muddy... Maybe I can pretend I am at a spa... *sigh*